Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

[Thanks to Sharon who posted such an astounding collection... I now repost my favs]

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life. 

Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.